Perfecting Our Praise

Okay parents, raise your hand if you've ever shouted the phrase, "Good job!" to your kids. Truth is, we all have, and we have all probably done it countless times. Now I want you to think about all the times you've said it. Some of those were probably when your child accomplished something really hard; but lets face it, some of those times were probably when your little one did something rather simple and mundane right?

So what's wrong with "good job"? Well, nothing actually. The real issue is how we are using it. Today we are going to focus on the good, bad, and the ugly of praising our children.

Well first off, what is praise, and why do we give it? Praise is simply an expression of approval or admiration; usually based off something or someone. You can show praise to just about anything; praise to God, praise to a beautiful piece of art, and certainly, praise to our children. Receiving praise usually makes the recipient feel good about themselves. We compliment people because we want them to feel positive, uplifted, and happy. Most parents want to raise self-confident children who have a healthy dose of self-worth. This is where praise usually comes in. There are generally 3 types of praises that are given to children.

Evaluative Praise

When we say things like, "great, beautiful, wonderful, good job", we are giving evaluative praise. We are in essence judging what we are seeing, instead of explaining or describing it. "Evaluative praise leads to a dependency on approval. [It] makes and keeps children dependent on adult evaluation. They look to us to evaluate and decide between good and bad behavior and work, rather than forming their own judgments." (Montessori Training from Montessori Foundation, 2018). It might seem easy to throw out praise like this and we may genuinely feel like our children's finger painting is beautiful ,but let's face it, evaluative praise is just lazy. It also sends the wrong message to our children; not to mention setting up expectations that are nearly impossible to maintain. No one can always be great, awesome, or perfect, at everything they do. So next time you get a handmade card with adorable scribbles on it, stop yourself before going straight to evaluative praise, and think about what type of praise would be better for this situation.

Descriptive Praise

Descriptive praise isn't an evaluation but rather an observation. Take the case of the finger painting discussed earlier; instead of judging the painting by just calling it beautiful, pick out something specific and mention it to your child. "I love all the colors and shapes you added to your painting!". You've observed something and given your child specific detail which helps them to learn how to self evaluate. This kind of praise encourages children to be more independent and start trusting their own judgement. Descriptive praise is also a little harder to give as a parent. It takes practice before it feels natural to really focus on an observation that is free from generic evaluation. It is going to take more effort on our part, but the reward it much greater!

Appreciative Praise

Appreciate praise is closely related to descriptive praise. It also requires that you be specific and and descriptive when you observe your child, but it is in regards to their behavior and interactions with others. This type of praise helps a child understand more about how they act has an affect on other people. By pointing out specific examples of how they positively interact with other people, it encourages the child to adopt good behavior patterns. Your response should be sincere and include specific detail. Take this as an example, "You were so thoughtful to include your younger sister in that game; just look at how big her smile is!". Taking the time to give sincere appreciative praise helps to teach our children what kind of behavior is appropriate and will make them more likely to model that behavior on their own.

"Although most parents and educators agree that some praise, or, more precisely, “positive encouragement,” is critical to developing children’s self-esteem, the keys are to limit it, to keep it focused, and to be honest with it. If we applaud everything our children do simply because they have done it, then we are teaching them that mere existence is enough."(Joann Pocock, JSTOR Daily). Don't be afraid to praise your child, just make sure you can pick the right type for the situation. Help them to recognize good behavior and effort by using appropriate and positive language when you do. With practice, you can be confident that you are doing your best to raise a self motivated and independent child.