Self-First Parenting?

 I know what you must be thinking..."how selfish does that sound?!", but stick with me, I promise it will all make sense!

As parents, one of our biggest concerns is our children and their behavior. Are we doing it all right for them? What can I do to help them more? How can I help them be better? I am teaching the right things? The questions are endless as parents, but if we want to be successful at parenting our children we need to focus on ourselves first! Let me tell you about one of the best pyramid schemes out there...the Parenting Pyramid! This comes from The Arbinger Institute, an incredible organization helping people find the right mindset.

If you look at the top of the pyramid, you'll find what most parents are always worried about. Problem A, and how to solve it. The issue with focusing just on the top is that we are missing the benefit of a strong and powerful base. Each level of the pyramid is directly affected by the strength of the level below it. So, next time you want to solve problem A, don't jump to correcting your child, first check to see what shape the next level of the pyramid is. Let me give you an easy example...

Sweet little Sally has been tasked with washing the dishes every night after dinner. You've noticed that they are far from properly clean, even after she claims to be done with her chore. Your first thought (correcting - top of the pyramid) is to tell her to clean them again! But, if you check down the pyramid to Teaching, you realize you've never actually taught her how to correctly wash the dishes in the first place!

Yes, this is an incredibly simple example and most of the time when we want to correct our kids it will be more serious issues, but the principles are the same.

If we follow all the way to the bottom of the pyramid, what do we find? In order to be effective in correcting our children, we need to make sure that we have set up a proper teaching base. If we want our teaching to be received well, we need have a relationship with our child that is positive and has built up trust. We can't build good relationships with our children if we haven't tried the same for our relationship with our spouse or partner. The only way to build a healthy relationship with another person is to focus on our PERSONAL WAY OF BEING. How are we taking care of ourselves so that we can focus and improve the next level of the pyramid?

I'm not saying ignore everyone and everything else and focus on me, me, me. Especially for those of us who already have kids and need to address issues now! BUT don't underestimate the importance of looking within and digging into who we are and how we function. This is a lot easier said then done, most people don't want to weigh their strengths and weaknesses as an individual and sometimes we don't even see them very well on our own. Where do I start you say? Well, it's time to bust out that mirror!

Okay, I don't mean literally get in front of a mirror, but you do need to do some self evaluating. Here are some easy questions to get you started on how your self care is going...try to rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 being rarely and 5 being always) and see how much or how little you can say you do these things. BE HONEST! We won't tell anyone what your answers are, and the more honest you can be, the better off you'll be!

• Do you serve/help others?
• How is your circle of friends?
• Do you set goals for your parenting?
• Do you take time for yourself?
• How often are you on Social Media?
• Do you have hobbies that you enjoy?
• How is your communication with your spouse/partner?
• How often do you eat healthy meals?
• Are you confident as a parent?
• Do you get any exercise?
• Are you able to manage your feelings and emotions?
• How often do you watch TV/media?
• Do you ask for help when you need it?
• Do you feel stressed?
• Do you wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself?
• Do you get enough sleep?
• Do you talk about your problems?
• Do you like to learn new things?
• How often do you set aside time for spiritual reflection?
• Do you spend time in nature?

This list is a starting point. Look at aspects where you may have scored low and really think about if you could improve in that area. It is important to recognize both your strengths and your weaknesses. Don't forget, be patient with yourself! As you learn to look inward, you will find that taking care of yourself allows you to take care of everything else a lot easier.